Manic Thursdays!

It is a rainy Thursday almost-afternoon.

I do not like Thursdays. It's completely psychological, but nonetheless, I want today to be over.

I don't mind the rain. It's just Thursday that I do mind.

Thursdays are worse than Mondays. I think that is my issue here.

I think I'm missing the bigger picture here though.

I am not enjoying one day out of the week.

That's four days per month that I don't like--maybe five.
That's 48 days per year that I don't like.
In a lifetime of 75 years, that is a total of 3,600 days that I don't like.

That's a lot of days.

That's a lot of irritation.

I need a change of attitude!

How to Find Beauty in Real Life

Hi dear readers,

First off, if you are here reading this from a link posted on the Facebook page, Simply Bellezza, then please note that this isn't my normal "beauty" blog. This blog is where I talk about spirituality and self-discovery. If you browse through older posts, you'll find posts about my journey--it's a very personal blog and I don't update it that often, sadly. It's one that I update only when I feel the inspiration.

Today, I feel this inspiration.

I have been feeling a deep sadness for our world in its current state. People are hurting each other, allowing darkness and evil to take over--and what baffles me the most is that deep down, I want to believe that people are intrinsically good. As a Christian, I believe that each of us, no matter our own religious backgrounds or preferences, are born with a little bit of God in our hearts. We have good in us, despite the falling of Adam and Eve. God doesn't create garbage. The world creates garbage and that's because the world is full of evil.

Yesterday, May 1, 2013, was an interesting day here in Seattle. It seemed normal, aside from spring fever and the sunshine...until the evening came and people who were participating in anti-capitalism marches in downtown Seattle started to get violent. I work a full-time job in a neighboring city near Seattle, and I commute by bus. My bus comes into a tunnel station and I am dropped off in the heart of downtown--exactly half a block from where the riots began and where, not even an hour later, tear gas was deployed on those who wouldn't stop their violence.

I was oblivious because I have a protector. I got off my bus nearly anywhere between 15-30 minutes before the horrible commotion began, and had diverted my normal commute home to stop at a store a block away.

When I finished shopping, I started walking a few blocks down the road to catch my bus home. Looking at my One Bus Away app, I saw that my bus was running about 25 minutes late...as were several others. This was really strange to me, but I still thought nothing of it.

While I continued to walk, I came across a man, whom I saw picking himself up off the ground. He wore dirty clothes that most would throw out into a dumpster. His hair unclean. His clothes hanging on him like sheets. His jeans bunched up at the bottom of his holy boots. He staggered along, trying to keep his balance, tripping over his feet and walking dizzily across a busy street. Most people just walk on by...and all I saw did.

Except me.

I felt so sad for this man. Perhaps I am a huge sap, but I instantly started to tear up and get really overwhelmed with emotion. My heart hurt for him, so I followed him. I instantly started to pray for him because I was scared that he would get really hurt. It was overwhelming to me that no one else gave him a second glance. Why would nobody else stop and even ask him if he was okay?

No, this is NOT him. This came from
www.thehomelessblog.wordpress.com.

At some point, he found a place to sit down and I walked up to him, mustering up some courage, mind you, to ask him if he was okay. He said he was not okay and he said it with such finality and hopelessness that I would have broken down and started bawling for him. Instead, I asked if I could pray with him. A part of me was surprised to hear him say yes!

Most people are not very accepting of strangers asking to pray over them. I am most definitely not the kind of person who ever, ever walks up to someone and asks to do that, especially in public. My prayers are usually silent and unsuspecting. I guess I'll categorize that as a 'ninja prayer.'

He was wearing a brand new bandage with gauze and tape giving him a rounded arm much like a Popeye the Sailor arm, sans anchor tattoos. He also had on a hospital bracelet. And he wreaked of alcohol. He bent over, trying not to fall, with his head almost resting in my lap...I held one of his hands and put my other hand on his head and started to pray over him. As people walked by, I felt nervous, knowing that they were thinking, What in the mad world? But I kept on.

My deepest prayer for this man is that the chains of alcoholism will be broken. That the evils he has faced in his lifetime will be distant memories, not terrors nor constant reminders of his failures. That
God will use someone with more resources to help him find respite, clean clothes, and more assistance. I didn't have any resources to give to him.

But I think I gave him the one thing that he needed most: love. No, not romantic love--agape love. Agape love is the kind of love that people share for others. I love you, my dear readers, because of agape love. I love you because you are someone. I love you because you are a life--a very special life, no matter who you are and where you are. I love you because you are unique. Because you and I share the same humanity. I love you because you need love as I need love.

It's so amazing to me that God used me to minister to Michael (that is his name). It was purposed for me to be there at that precise moment. And the truth is, I hope that Michael has hope like never before. I hope that his life will be forever changed, and not because of me, but because of who God is in me. Because God lives in me, it is a light that casts out darkness. In sharing that with Michael, it is my sincerest hope that he holds onto that light, knowing that love can change his life. All it takes is one person to make that difference between misery and hope in someone's life.

Please, if you feel compelled, keep praying for Michael with me. I so believe in the power of unified prayer. I won't give you scripture references or anything Biblical at this point, but let's just say that it is a spiritual law that we are more powerful in unified prayer.

And because I am Christian, I asked that Michael be lifted up and all of us who are in agreement will
pray this in Jesus' name and say Amen! (Let Your work be done, Father God.)

In regards to the blog post title, my only request for you, lovely, dear readers, is to be the light, the love--the most beautiful thing--to all those you meet and see. Please don't ignore someone. Show kindness. That will be the most beautiful thing any one person will see in their whole day....or lifetime even. You have the power to change a life. Simply do it.

Much love to you,

Em

2012: A Year to Love

It's that time of year again...time for reflections and for life-style changes...right?! Well, instead of going on and on about my new goals and ambitions, (which I do have a video series on)  I will simply write a list of reflections from this year for this post, and the next post will have the 2013 hopes and dreams (that way this post isn't too incredibly long)

Warning: this will be very random and scatter-brained...so here we go:

2012

Lost and maintained a 30-pound weight loss
President's List/Dean's List at school (3.5 GPA or higher)
Got my first brand new smartphone
Read Anna Karenina and added it to my favorites list
Went to see a movie by myself for the first time--I went and saw Prometheus
Had my first accidental 'viral' YouTube video
My first completely editorial photo shoot working as a visual consultant AND makeup artist
Became YouTube partner
Defied my fear of rejection and took a huge personal risk with someone
Planned, purchased, and executed my second annual Christmas Beauty Giveaway--this year, prizes totaled over $500
Received my first sponsorship/free makeup for review offer from a brand that I love
Re-engaged my passion for politics and feminism
Participated in my first real protest: SlutWalk, Seattle
Cried for joy that many of my friends are now able to legally marry their long-time partners when Washington State approved gay marriage
Yelled out an obscenity to a driver who splashed me with water while carelessly driving off the side of the road, talking on his cell phone
Made a new friend who inspires me to live life without vicariousness.
Met a friend who may become my new BFF.
Uprooted myself from an otherwise comfortable life to move into the "big" city of Seattle
Lived off of faith, hope, and dreams when all seemed to be collapsing around me
Started working full-time outside of SB
Visited family in Bellingham, a place I rarely visit anymore
Turned 23-years-old and had an amazing birthday celebration with my family
Realized how much I truly love cupcakes
Stopped eating beef
Realized that my soy allergy isn't as extreme as once thought
Went weeks as a vegetarian without realizing it
New favorite food: peanut butter and bananas
Favorite music: Ellie Goulding, Lana del Rey, Melody Gardot
Saw American Idiot on Broadway with one of my besties
For the first time in years, did not attempt to harm myself physically
Maintained a diary for the 8th consecutive year
Had my heart not get broken by a jerk
Had the worst date of my life with the creepy " 'your' really beautiful" guy
Went on my first and most-likely-to-be last blind date
Started jogging
Stopped renting a storage unit
Finally have a strong and exact vision for SB--business plan in the works
Earned my first college degree
Hosted a fun Thanksgiving dinner and cooked almost everything completely from scratch
Made my first raw/vegan dessert, which was met with approval from a vegan
Went to six Halloween events this year
Wrote some amazing songs
Uploaded my first singing video for the world to see
Let go of a painful memory
Had my first energy drink ever (EVER!)
Met someone who I foresee as being my next love

And that's all I can think of right now. Overall, I think this has been a fabulous year. Yes, there were a lot of uncertainties and scary moments when I didn't think that I could make it through, but my faith grew stronger with every step that God lead me through. As I always like to think, we become closer to being a pure diamond with all the extra pressure; purer gold when all the impurities are burned from us.

I hope that this is inspiring. I chose to focus on mostly the good as that's how I want to see my life--good, adventure-filled, and best-yet, not regrettable.


Stay tuned for the 2013 post!

Much love & peace to you,

Ems

Forgiveness

It has been a while since I last wrote for this blog--time has rewarded me with things to preoccupy my time, and has also challenged me with new endeavors and obstacles. However, I felt the urge to write today as a spirit moved in me to do so, and hence, the words that flow freely from my heart follows.

As a Christian, I've heard innumerable times about the importance of forgiveness. We must forgive our neighbors of their offenses--the hurt and betrayals--for harboring unforgiveness in our hearts amounts to the same decree as murder. This murder is of our own spirit.

We have been forgiven of our own sins if we have accepted the cleansing blood of Jesus to wash us of the old sins that have caked inside our hearts. We become whole through the One who gives life. However, a spirit of the world that despises our new selves seeks to destroy our new foundations. It gains a small foothold to create havoc the second doubt or distrust enter our minds. The lies about our identity resolves to a battle lost as we believe them.

 We aren't worthy. 
We haven't been made new...we're still the same old, horrible people from before. 
Nothing changes. 
We are weak.

Lies. Deceitful and utterly harmful lies.

Buying into these lies is costly. It is the same as purposely ingesting poison into our systems. It's a spiritual suicide. The mistakes we made long ago resurface, brought into the present, and we encounter the same pain and shame just as if we were trapped to relive those past moments. The blessings of today are robbed from us and we begin to resent who we are--not realizing that we now have distorted visions of ourselves. Self-unforgiveness bubbles through and we have committed the sin of murder.

But we can be resurrected.
But how...?

Today, I thought about the events that lead me to feel as though the new person I am was only a distorted dream. I confess to having believed the lies, choosing not to forgive myself for the person I used to be...then I realized that the person I have to forgive doesn't exist anymore. She died to the world two years ago and now, there is a faithful spirit that resides in me. It gives me a new identity, but I had to remove the eyeglasses that the deceitful spirit placed on me, giving me an incorrect perception. I see who I am--a daughter of the King of all Kings, the Alpha and Omega, the Life, the One who gives life.

I went outside to my porch and prayed. I talked to God about the life I want. I told Him that if there was any unforgiveness in my heart, to make it known to me. I listed off the names of people who have hurt or offended me, even if I knew I forgave them years ago; I made a point to say each name out loud, declaring my forgiveness. Then came the very last person: myself. I asked God to forgive me of my pride and any other sin I was unaware of...then I realized something.

Thoughts of skepticism and irritating hurt arose immediately. I didn't speak out that I forgive myself. That hurt to think about because I didn't want to say it.

I know that in order to forgive someone and to truly do so, you must consciously prepare yourself, keeping it at the forefront of your mind daily until the pain of the memory is no longer present. Each day, if thoughts escalate into ones that are not of God, then they must be rebuked and you must outwardly admit that you forgive that person. Speak out that forgiveness. It gets easier every day... even for ourselves: 

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of the world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." --Romans 12:2.

So, today, while looking into the mirror, I will tell myself that I forgive me for the mistakes I made, the person I was, and remind myself that she doesn't exist. I am a new creation:  

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 

 --2 Corinthians 5:17

I am strong. I am loved, and best of all, I have a purpose:  

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10.

If you find yourself feeling resentful towards yourself or another person, I encourage you to pray about it. If you want to change your life and become a new creation, or if you want to make sure that you aren't seeing a distorted vision of yourself, speak this out to God. If the words do not come, then say these words:

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10) "Help me to forgive others and myself of the sins that You forgive in me. Help me to see myself with the eyes You see me with. Remove all footholds in my life that the enemy clings to so that I may have peace in You. Holy Spirit, guide me through each day and help me to renew my thoughts and renew my forgiveness for every offense. I trust that I am created new with the blood of Jesus and pray for Your Spirit to move in the lives of those who have hurt me. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I hear chains breaking with each person who is forgiven. Amazing!

Rattling in chains no more,

Em

At a Crossroads?! Now What?!

Being newly 23-years-old, two shy of 25, I feel as though some of my experiences have granted me an exceptional pathway to success, yet, on another note, I feel as though my path is so different than everyone else's...and I am very glad for that.

Perhaps this blog entry is more about personal reflection than one of my 'normal' posts, but I feel as though somehow one of you younger readers might be able to gain something out of this--or perhaps my more mature audience will relate and be inspired? Who knows?

So my 20s... All my life, I envisioned my 20s to be fierce, fabulous, ferocious, and amazing. (Sorry for the break of alliteration...ha ha!) At 16, I knew that once I reached my 20s, I would have reached the end of the turbulent years for me, and, therefore, will have begun to live in such a grand way. It hasn't quite worked out that way...actually, not at all.

At 21-years-old, by faith, I quit a job I hated and decided that it wasn't in my best interest to work for a while. I won't go into the medical reasons behind it, nor the little details of my life thereafter, but I can say that this decision changed my life more than any other direct decision ever has. I have learned things about myself that I didn't know before. I learned about what kind of strength this woman has! I tell you something, my faith is much stronger than it used to be as well! At 18-years-old, I would have laughed at a friend who said she was going to do what I did, wishing her luck, shaking my head thinking she were really stupid.

Yes...I would have been harsh on her. I can still be harsh on myself for it, hearing thoughts saying things like, "If you didn't quit that job, you wouldn't have had to go without _____" or "If you had stayed stronger, you wouldn't have struggled with ____" and so on and so forth! You know what?! Those thoughts are garbage. These types of thoughts only cause me more anxiety and irritation than they are worth, and they need to stay out in the trash bin with the rest of yesterday's old stuff.

The decisions I made in the past are ones that I feel were the right thing to do, even though it meant a lot of changes--unwanted and perhaps even unnecessary in the eyes of others. But, as a Christian, I see so much more value in the journey these last two years have brought me upon, and I am excited to see where the next two years will bring me. I am rebuilding my life as to shape it in the way that it ought to be, allowing God to have a mightier influence on it, and also to become what I so desire to become, and to obtain the success I am meant to have. Mind you, I don't measure success by quantifiable means, but by the ability to push through and conquer life's challenges without giving up.

Which brings me to my current challenge. I am at a crossroads--where I can continue the same life I've had for the past two years, or move on and do something different. I am ready to make a change in my life that will lead me to a better and different place. In the last blog, I talked about how "change" has so many negative connotations and people are often scared to make deep changes within themselves. (Click HERE to read). For the past couple weeks I have been chewing on my words, thinking about the changes I am ready to make now. Change is a great thing, but it only works if one is ready. I know I am ready for it. But it doesn't make me any less scared!

There's a big life change I am about to make, embarking on a new chapter in my life. While I am nervous and mildly anxious, I came across a scripture on the Huge Love blog by Tiffany Myers:

John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid,"

which helped alleviate some of that deep anxiety. I know that with change, the opportunity for bigger and better things await, and that sometimes God wants us to make a change so that we can do the things He has called for us to do. Today, I also came across a photo on a friend's Facebook page:

  This inspired me so much! 

The truth is that if I don't make this change, despite how scared I may be, I won't get to where I need to be! I need to make a poster of this and hang it on my door along with a few of my favorite inspiring Bible scriptures or tattoo it all on my arm! (hahaha-that would be one crazy arm tattoo!) 

With this in mind, I leave you all, dear readers, lovely friends, beloved family, with this thought:

What is the one thing in your life that you want to change and are you ready for it?

Deep love and peace to you,

Your Em.

The Big, Bad "C" Word

What is this scary "C" word I refer to? 

It isn't the word you're thinking. (Shame on you for that!...lol)

CHANGE your thoughts right now!
CHANGE is not so scary.
Cyclic is a far worse word in my book...

I have always heard the phrase, "If you don't like something, do something about it," which is such a great motivational kick in the pants, making one realize that complaining isn't the best solution to a problem, instead, doing something is. While I take complaining with a grain of salt--as in, most people need to rant in some way or another--if these complaints take habit and are habitually about the same issues, then obviously these actions are not working.

Looking into the mirror, we see the things we want to see. We have already trained ourselves to notice first our qualities--or at least, that's what your average esteemed person will do. Sometimes we have character flaws that we don't notice, or we do notice, but ignore because we don't know what to do about it.

Some character flaws, such as being emotionally insecure, can be easy to ignore in oneself with precepts and by ignoring ones own conscious behaviors, but other people may notice them or may even suffer because of the ignorance. But what kind of person would intentionally inhibit personal growth? Yes, I said it..it is intentional. A person who is not willing to look at him or herself honestly, realizing character flaws, and realizing the impact he or she has on other people, is not only hurting him or herself, but also the people around him or her. "Hurting people, hurt people," is another common phrase I hear, and often even say!

To err is human, which is an amazing thing. We are allowed to make mistakes and grow from them, but if we intentionally shut out the opportunities to grow, then we are only smothering the potential to become better people. To change.

To use myself as an example, I will admit that I am so far from perfect...it's shocking, right? (insert sarcastic humor). Not really. I used to be a person who complained and complained, never changing my circumstances. As much as I ranted and raved, I was really hurting people around me without realizing it. My unwillingness to look at the mistakes I had made, and continually to made, put other people in compromising positions as my friends and family. Someone told me once that I needed to stop what I was doing and look at my recent past. The things I had complained about were a direct result of what I was doing in the present. If I could change my present and the things I was doing now, then it would have an immediate result.

This was eye-opening for me. I decided to change my attitude, first and foremost, and then identify all the other little things I needed to mold differently. One of the things I had always wanted to change was my ability to accept criticism without feeling put-down, angry, resentful, or even humiliated, I had to look at the underlying issue. Why did I react the way I did when people around me didn't have the same reactions when they too, received criticism? It has to do with what is in our hearts.

Yes, I am back to speaking on the matters of the heart.

The heart is our mainframe component of emotions, literally speaking, of course. We feel with and react from our hearts. It's completely human. However, as we are human, we also have minds to control how we react. Logically speaking, we are able to process what is being spoken to us, and our mind reacts with our heart for emotional response, and computes it with a logical response. In other words, our mind tells our body how to interpret the data and how to physically respond. If we hear criticism, our hearts can put up a defense, put out an offense, or even turn away in resentment.

This is how we know if our hearts are healthy. While I cannot simply describe how to change the computation reaction between your heart and mind, I can say that the first place to begin in changing your heart, is to always think with your mind first. Be logical in how you hear things, realizing that if you change your thoughts, your reactions will soon follow, and therefore, you'll be more able to understand the true intentions behind someone's criticism. This is what worked well and still works for me. I now accept criticism openly, always looking to find ways to improve myself.

This can also apply to your life in various ways. If you want to change a character flaw, you need to retrain your mind to accept, first and foremost, that you have to change. Change your attitude and change your thoughts. Everything else will soon follow. You must remain diligent...if you are able to keep your mind focused on new pathways, then you'll develop the new pathways into habits for good! It takes 21 days to develop a new habit, so stick with it. If you don't know how to change your thoughts, I have another post that will help you! Read it here!

I hope this helps you get through the day and that if you have any questions, do not hesitate to comment below. I hope you all have blessed days and that where ever you are, you have a smile upon your faces. Don't fear this big, bad, "C" word any longer! Change is a good thing!

Much love and CHANGE,

Your Emmy.

Accountability for Ourselves

I didn't think that I would be writing again today...but so have it, God revealed some amazing insight with me and I feel compelled to write. This is going to be a little shorter and more to the point than some of my other entries. Maybe not so sweet though...

In our life journeys, we endure trials and obstacles. I firmly believe that with each and every obstacle comes a lesson learned and a purpose. Sometimes the trials are so hard that we end up getting hurt, chastised, or even ignored. But the one thing that remains is that God is always on our side. He doesn't agree with every little thing we think or do, but when we allow Him to, we go through things that He wants us to go through so we can learn from them and shed the weight of our character He doesn't like. We have to climb mountains to exercise our faith. We climb and climb to the top, feeling weak, tired, and sore; however, when we make it through the hardest parts, the rest of the journey is so much easier. While working your way up to the top of the mountain, you may fall and hurt yourself, but you need to keep climbing. You will make it out with abrasions and other wounds, but in the end, these wounds heal and you will have gained so much.

On the other side of the mountain, we can come out with having learned humility, compassion, love, understanding, and inner strength, amongst so many other things. We can look at our healing wounds and the scars with a poor attitude, wondering why we look so worn and imperfect. However, choosing to accept these scars as battle scars helps in attitude because we won the battle. We are winning the war! According to your faith, you can define this war in any particular way you desire. The war can be raged against life itself, or maybe the enemy that we recognize as Satan, perhaps even ourselves, but one thing is certain--life is hard, sometimes it doesn't ever get easier, but the more we are adamant in pushing through, the easier it will be to come out on the other side.

So how does this relate to taking accountability for our actions and for ourselves? If we play the victim, we will always be the victim unless we decide otherwise. If we allow the negativity in our lives to upset our thinking, our actions will soon follow the same negative pattern if we aren't careful. It can hurt others around us and the worse part is that you may not even realize it. When you realize it, it becomes even harder to change and make better. I speak from the heart in this matter because I have experienced it from both sides.

I write this because I deeply care about every person who comes across this blog and seeks to find something...if you are reading this to learn about God and a growing spirituality, or here for reading about my words and my thoughts, specifically if you do not have nice thoughts about me and are trying to find evidence for reasons why, then I encourage you to think about where your thoughts are coming from.

I wrote previously, and on numerous occasions, about holding our thoughts captive. I may be the author of this entire public blog, but I am also a student in it, for when I am learning new things, I like to write about them here. My blog is not a place for judgment or condemnation, nor is it a place for others to take my words and use them against me, but more or less to talk openly about my spiritual journey and encouraging others to join me...

I hope this clears up a lot of thoughts about my purpose in writing my blog, or that maybe you can understand where my heart really is. I find that the more I try to show my heart, the more it gets beaten. This is the only place I have almost completely felt safe to reveal it in the open and when I feel my heart isn't in the right place, I don't write, knowing that my words will affect others. My mind resorts to Proverbs 4:23, which says, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." I have learned that even in the truest of intentions, our hearts get hurt when we don't realize the course we are walking upon.

So with this in mind, I hope you all have an amazing day and that you are blessed. If I could give you all a hug, I would...and that is truth right there.

Emmy

Upwards Growth/Growing Upwards...

My birthday is in a few weeks and I will be 23-years-old. It hardly seems old, but it certainly feels that way, especially since I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get where I am in the world today. I still have a lot of obstacles. I like to say that the mountain always looks bigger from the top or from the bottom--basically, in the middle (the hardest part) or from the beginning of the journey. It's all about perspective. I always like to refer to life as a series of mountains and trails because the issues we go through and endure are ascending and descending points in our journeys.

I'm not the only one to compare life to such an earthy terrain; Sheryl Crow's famous hit, "Everyday is a Winding Road" is a great example. Want a sample? Here:

So, it is January...the month of new beginnings and hopes. New Year's Resolutions are a big topic to talk about, and yet, so easily given up upon. I don't have much room to speak, especially since I only kept about half of my resolutions--even then, some of them weren't exactly how I had pictured these goals to be. However, I will rejoice in saying that in the past year, I have grown upward. I cannot say that I am completely "grown up," as I don't think that any specific person can truly say he or she has reached the culmination point of growth. As beings with minds, hearts, and spirits, in an ever-changing world, we are constantly growing in many areas. That isn't to say that we are limited by our 'selves,' but in a general sense of 'being,' we are adaptable, and therefore, always capable of getting better at being some form of ourselves in an improved way--completely biased on perspective, of course.

Okay, so this blog isn't completely like my other ones--where I discuss Biblical principles or inspiration. Today, I wanted only to talk about growing upwards. Let's use that term from now on--upwards. I think it sounds more true to the meaning--or at least the meaning of it that I am trying to convey here in these simple words. Words are just words, after all, but I do find that they float around in my mind, in no particular order, until they are overflowing. Whence overflowing, each word sputters out as if it were manufactured by a single machine. Each word is a simple piece of a larger contraption...and they slowly build up to become something better. Okay, that was randomly off-topic. To tie it in, I suppose I could comment on how I feel that my upwards growth reveals a less random spiel of thoughts...do you believe me? I wouldn't... ^.^

So, back to topic. Upwards growth. Growing upwards. My story starts out with last year--while I had a deeply philosophical principle in thinking, I was lacking on a spiritual side. I prayed, but didn't like to meditate. Sometimes I get into a deep mindset where I can be so selfish in thinking all about my life and getting what I need to survive, but am brought back to humble ground when I am forced to feel empathy or sadness for another person. I get so wrapped up in the things that don't really matter in the essence of things, so in turn, my spirituality lacks because the physical and practical things are being met in a better way. Of course, sometimes this isn't easy to control--I had a huge life change occur in 2010, and it took me several months to adjust. I am still adjusting to some of it, but I think that's where my upwards growth occurred.

So here is a little back story of my life for you to understand my thinking perhaps a smidgeon. The longest stability I have ever had in my life was living with my family for a couple years in one place, to only move again...and again...and again...and yet again. My mind was trained to continually uproot myself in friendships, family, and most social situations. I can still be quite socially awkward...which I find is easily blamed on and given credit to the 'nurture' perspective. Wouldn't that be a cop-out though?

I think back to who I was five years ago, and I realize that I was very introverted, trudging through emotional pressures by burying them. I resisted change and didn't want to let go of the pains and hurts, but at one point, I realized that holding them in my heart is just like ingesting poison, day after day. That was the big life change I endured in 2010. Done was I with the victim mentality, the pain, and the pity parties.

I believe in change...we are meant to evolve. My evolution periods are just different than everyone else. Through this change, I gained so much growth in my 'self' and in a spiritual way. What I go through is not caused by nor influenced solely by my past, but instead, by my current decisions. If I fail to complete a project today, I reap the consequences tomorrow, and I cannot blame my past for it.

So I will live in today. Today I choose to not feel guilty anymore for who I am in my journey. I am at the top of my mountain, slowly descending to calmer roads...where I can give subtle advice to those seeking it. I embrace change now. In fact, I like to know what I can become. If I don't change, then the person I want to be is a reflection of a dream land-- far away, untouchable, since my old person doesn't fit into the world of my desires. I want to me extroverted, kinder, thoughtful, loving, bubbly, passionate, uplifting, inspiring, carefree, and so many more.

Gotta keep shedding the old stuff to make room for the new! Here's to a NEW year! 2012 is going to be even better than last year, and I will love myself even more this year than I did last year.

Let your self-love pull you through your trials and embrace those strengths.

With snowy "peaks,"

Your Emmy.

 (Picture was taken of the trees in the back yard)

Beautiful Life

I decided I wanted to share some beauty with you--no, not cosmetics or glamour, but real beauty from the world--from amazingly artistic minds that saw beauty, captured it, and were inspired to share it with the rest of us:  (No, none of the pictures are my work, but I wanted to share them with you regardless. =])

The cutest little bunch of birdies! (Photo by Stephen ...?)

 

Whoever thought an ant would be so pretty? (Vincentius Ferdinand)

Isn't this just gorgeous?! (Photo by Y2-hiro)

This is so cool!! (Photo by http://fromme-toyou.tumblr.com/tagged/cinemagraph)

Stunning!

Oh my goodness. I love the color! Simply incredible!

Oh look how pretty!

This reminds me of where I grew up in Montana... =)

Now this is the town I grew up in, in Montana... This is Flathead Lake. (photo not mine)

Looking south--Those are the beautiful Mission Mountains--it's how I knew I was home whenever we came back on a road trip. (photo not mine)

 

An aerial view of the little town I used to live in...

Used to pass this on the highway all the time--it's one of the most photographed barns in Montana...you see why? =)

I look at photos like these and remember how much beauty there is in this world...God created such wonders. It's nice to visually see His love!

Here's hoping you all feel inspired to find beauty in everything...

About to curl up and fall asleep with a cuddly, fur-baby kitty,

Your Emmy.

Early, Early, Early! Sunday Morning;

Good morning, friends. It is a very early morning for me as it says 05:18 on my clock. I don't have to even be up and awake until 07:00. But here I am, fully awake, sitting on my bed with my laptop at my knees. Even the cat knows it's much too early to be awake as he yawns and stares at me with irritated eyes. Forget that, I'm sure he's thinking, as he flips and turns away from me. Maybe I have bad breath or something...

I cannot sleep. Something woke me up...and it's not often that I get woken up this early to be wide awake and ready to write or do something. (Insert yawn here). I finally fell asleep at around 02:30. I slept until 04:30. I know I will be paying for this later...oh yes. I see it now: a three hour nap midday. It already sounds lovely. I will go to church one, enjoy worship, and then hustle out the door to rush to building two with my ride to assist her with the preschool before service starts at the second campus. Too bad I am not a coffee drinker. The caffeine pot would be a'brewing right about now... =] And to me, tea is an evening treat as I drink decaf.

Okay, so obviously blabbering off about my not-so-normal morning isn't exactly why I was awakened. I woke up because it is when God wanted to use me. Throughout my two hours of sleep (listening to my mp3 player--and no, I'm not cool enough to even have an i-pod yet...just putting that out there. Haha) I had a few songs play that was partially awake to hear. I am typically the girl who likes it as dark as can be and as quiet as can be to sleep, but somehow I just wanted to listen to music this night. So, about some of these songs. I used to listen to them as a very young little girl. Late at night I would stare out my window and look at all the city lights, feeling empowered to conquer the world listening to them. Yes I, at eight-years-old felt the desire to conquer the world because it was at my fingertips. I knew that there was something greater out there for me and that even though I didn't know what it was, I eventually would. It's not even the songs that are important, but they made me reminisce and feel again those feelings. 

God reminded me of those things. He reminded me of the promise He made to me those nights. I know now that the world had been offered to me and one day I would have all the tools I needed to grab it and be all that He designed me to be. Maybe that feeling returned as a reminder that I am close--or maybe I am at that point; I do not know. I do know, however, that every place I have been since last summer has been under the direction of God only, and I, nor anybody else, has had an influence without Him opening the way. I fully immersed myself into the Living Waters and gave Him the chance to take control of my life, and to this day, He still has control. I never worry about the future anymore because the future He has promised me is still waiting for the exact combination and trajectory to align properly and unlock it.

My concept and the world's concept of time changed last summer when I focused on the spiritual path laid out in front of me. As I stated, I stopped worrying about my future. I stopped worrying about tomorrow; I stopped worrying about the rest of the day, for the most part. I knew that all my needs would be provided for, and, best of all, that if I walked out my hardships in faith, I would be rewarded. 

Yesterday I had a spare moment in which a thought struck me that I have everything I could possibly and truly need. The basic needs are met. Yes, I still struggle with some things, but I make do because He makes the way. I am starting to see so many of the rewards coming in, things I never thought I'd see be restored to me...

If you have watched any of my videos for the Dreams series I started on YouTube, you'd know that I started out the year 2011 with many goals and dreams. One of the big ones was to be able to return to school, having my financial aid reinstated (it was canceled in 2007 when I moved back home with my mom when she first got really sick, and I had been overwhelmed at school dealing with severe anxiety). For the past few years, any of the courses I took were paid for out of my own earnings, which was a financial burden until tax time. I probably was one of the only people who looked forward to doing her taxes--it meant that I could claim the 'Making Your Tax Dollars Work For You' tax credit, and $1,500 of my hard-earned money was credited back. I had to itemize my deductions to get much of anything back, so this credit greatly helped. The other day, I got a letter from the financial aid office at my school and my petition to have it reinstated has been approved and I return to school in January! PRAISE GOD! It goes to show that prayer makes miracles happen. That was a prayer and strong desire. My education is the key to unlocking so many doors...including growing my own business.

When I decided to go forth and establish myself in the YouTube world and move on with my own business, I knew it would be tough, but looking at it today, I am so grateful for the struggles. I appreciate and treasure these things so much more than I ever would have otherwise. And things are looking up. I have new clients and at the beginning of the year, Simply Bellezza will officially be Simply Bellezza, LLC and my new position will be CEO. Oooooh that's so exciting.

Thinking of time, the world runs on a fast-paced, never having time, short-wired clock that races against the odds. When I allowed God to direct my life, I had so many burdens lifted from my shoulders. I do believe that I would have crumbled had it not been for the events that happened. I carried more than just the weight of the world on my shoulders; I carried my family's burdens close to my heart--their pain and suffering was mine. I always felt like I was meant to be the caretaker of my family, but God told me that I am not meant to carry such large burdens. Matthew 11:28 says, "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest," which states just that.

We have such an amazing grace and tool--we actually get to swap loads with God. Jesus' blood washes us clean from having to hold the world anymore. The mythical ancient Greek tale of Atlas was a lie given to us by the enemy who said that we aren't worthy and that we deserve all the shackles, chains, pain, and weight. What a dirty, filthy lie it is, and I rebuke it. 

Wow, my load is light. My heart isn't weighed down with guilt either. That, too, is rebuked in the name of Jesus. Isn't that awesome?! 

My heart is light and happy, enlightened. 

And for that, my dreams are locking into place. 

So what are these dreams?

Well, ever since I could talk, I sang. Singing is the one and only thing that gives my breath a purpose. If I go one day without singing, I am deprived of my oxygen. I am malnourished. It is my soul food. God gave me the gift of voice and the "hidden" talent to do the things I can do...now if only I had the confidence to go forth...haha!  With the songs playing that reminded me of my eight-year-old self, He reminded me that even then I dreamt of encapsulating people in song, in the passions of my heart. 

And now, with my vision focused, my heart cleaner, and my spirit in check, I can work on glorifying Him in those dreams. Hallelujah!

So, I don't know if the purpose of me being awakened at 04:30 was for me to realize that, or if it was to just write this to encourage someone out there. Either way, I really do hope that this is encouraging and uplifts your heart. Do not ever give up on your dreams because they were gifts and seeds planted by God in the beginning. He planned you for a purpose and those dreams are map of your course, the user manual is the Bible, but those gifts are your individual instructions, given only to you! Hold on to your dreams as they were treasures. Trade your burdens for hope and you will see your dreams come so much closer.

You are in prayer and in thought, my dear readers. I pray for you all to be enlightened and your hearts to be protected from the lies of the world. 

Now as it is 06:26, I am going to take advantage of the extra half hour and get ready for church! =]

Thinking of big fluffy clouds and first inversion chords in A minor,

Your Emmy.

Action! Action! Read All About It!

Greetings, my favorite friends. I hope that you are all doing great! I have been doing well...busy as ever. That would explain my absence from updating this blog, of course. I have been meaning to write a mini-review on an incredibly artistic rendering of the Bible that my roommate recently purchased...Not only does it include easy-to-understand explanations/scriptures, but it also piques the interests of a younger generation that may not be as easily excited into reading the Bible. 

Maybe you have seen it or heard about it? It's called The Action Bible: God's Redemptive Story.

And it's just that...a big story book made into a comic/action manga/comic book! How fascinating and innovative is that?! Here's a picture of it:

It was illustrated by Sergio Cariello, who masterfully is known for his work with DC Comics and Marvel. This monster book boasts 750 full-colored pages going through the stories and parables in the Bible. I love it! My roommate's 11-year-old daughter gravitated to it and kept thumbing through it, soaking up the amazing artistry and learning all about the Biblical principles that maybe aren't so attractive to read about for the non-reader.

I have included some pictures of random stories/pages of this incredible book for your viewing pleasure: (click on a picture to enlarge it).

As you can see, there are so many appealing things about this Bible. It is meant to be a learning tool for those who may have a harder time envisioning the Bible in a picturesque or imaginative way. I must state, though, that if you bring this Bible to church with you, you won't be able to locate scriptures as you would in a standard Bible. This particular book is categorized by stories, and each particular story is based off of the scriptural references from the standard Bible format. For example, if you were trying to locate John 3:16, you wouldn't be able to flip through pages to find the book of John. Instead, you would look through the table of contents, find the scripture reference and locate the story that derives from John. This isn't a devotions book either. It isn't a self-help, or self-guiding Bible, but merely a book that brings the stories to life in pictures and breaks them down for ease of reading.

It is great to look through when you don't fully understand something or you are especially interested in visualizing one of the Biblical principles/books you've been struggling with. 

For study and for church reasons, you will still need to keep your standard Bible. But for fun and lighter reading, enjoy The Action Bible. Here's a video I found that shows how truly awesome this is for family life: 

My roommate found this book at WalMart for $25. It is available online for less...check out Amazon.com, where I have seen a listing for $14. 

What do you think of it?

Let me know!

With a Ka-Pow, Boom, Thwack!,

Your Emmy.

Deep Dreams Resurfacing

I have found it hard to find inspiration to write lately, which is sad because I normally feel inspired from most anything--trees, dancing, singing, lime green colors...anything. So my latest writing slump has been quite hard on me, brewing in the back of my mind like old coffee, and let's just face that fact, old coffee isn't very yummy.

Today I feel inspired by dreams. If you truly know me, then you'll know how much my dreams mean to me, and that I am constantly dreaming, imagining the amazing things I want to do someday. The things I will see, taste, touch, hear... That alone is inspiring to me. 

Since I was little, I have always wanted to live in New York City. It always seemed like such a magical mecca where dreams come true and inspiration is surely plentiful. I know that this dream is shared by many other young hopefuls out there. I know that now is not the time to be there, but I know if God wills it to happen, it will. I know that traveling is definitely part of my future because God placed it in my heart. I want to see His amazing world, the very thing that He treasures: all the wonderful people who exist that I could learn about. There is an innate passion in my heart to move with the wind, touching lives and spreading His love and peace. I want so dearly to go to Africa and pray with the women who are so severely abused and taught from birth that they are worthless. I want them to know that they are worthy and that they are loved. I want them to know human compassion, and the compassion of our Lord.

There is no feeling worse in this whole world than feeling unloved. I know how it feels to think that way and my heart resonates with compassion to want to change that. To rock the world. Why not? I dream big. That's the only way that I have known to dream. 

In the past six or so months, I have become complacent with my life. It allows God to move greatly, yes, but I got at a standstill where all my big dreams on on the back burner and smaller ones are becoming more and more prevalent. These small, insignificant dreams are lovely, but my heart isn't in them as deeply as the larger, more elaborate dreams. 

I never wanted a simple life.

Life has to be exciting and simply put, having a mediocre job, and doing the same things throughout the years would greatly bore me. I would not be fulfilled. I would be wasting the gifts that God gave me, and that would be more than just disappointing to me. It would be devastating. 

Today, as I write, I am trying to convey a message to you all that no matter where you are in your life, whether or not you have accomplished all your dreams, that you CANNOT be complacent and abandon all your hopes for the future. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are to prosper you and not to harm you, but to bring you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). 

So if you feel hopeless, don't. We have an amazing God and He says that we can do all things through Him. 

Be inspired. Find something that you find words or encouragement through. Go on a walk. Write in a journal. Paint. Watch a movie. Something to spur your creative juices!

All I did was dance like a fool...it was fun!

Doin' the moonwalk in socks,

your Emmy.

Home is Where You Plant Your Flowers--My Testimony

It has been an interesting three months here at my current residence, but as of tomorrow, I will be moving on to another location. It's funny that no matter how much I pray for stability, God still says that He is bringing me to the place He needs me, but it isn't right now...even though He does say it is soon. As much as it can be tiring, I will believe in and obey His command. Sometimes we are the shepherds and at other times we are the sheep. While in some places I am definitely the sheep, needing the protection of my Savior, I am also called to be a shepherd, guiding other lost sheep to the path home.

Home. 

My fifth grade teacher always used to tell me that home is where you plant your flowers.

I actually didn't remember her saying that until about five years ago--when I originally moved to the county in which I now reside. Of course, as a grieving 10-year-old little girl, I did not understand fully the power of the metaphorical phrase "planting flowers," and furthermore, at 17, I didn't fully grasp the belly of the barrel on it either. Now, at 22-years-old, I am finding peace in the meaning, a deep, profound understanding, and even hope.

Planting flowers. 

In the Bible, there are countless scriptures that refer to sowing of seeds, sowing and reaping--sowing seeds as a metaphor for working hard and prospering in accordance to your works, sowing seeds of the Gospel to grow a Godly knowledge and understanding, to parables about not wasting your time while you could be productive.

Flowers grow from tiny little seeds that are planted. The type of flower depends on the type of seed, and the condition of the flower depends on the conditions in which the seed was planted. 

Luke 8:15 says, "And the seeds that fell on the good soil represent honest, good-hearted people who hear God's word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest." (New Living Translation). 

As I look upon my life in the last year or so, the big difference I see in comparison to my tempestuous childhood, and my life now, is God. At the age of nine, I accepted Jesus in my heart to be my Lord and Savior. At that time I did not have a much of a relationship with Him because that wasn't a possibility at the time. Due to my upbringing, church wasn't a requirement, but more of a past-time. There were many trials and heartbreaks to come a year later, and in the most desperate of times that I really did need Jesus, I didn't know to reach out to Him. But, as I grew older and heard the Word of God being spoken through others, I learned more about Him, in subtle increments, but nonetheless, I began a slow journey into the Christian walk. 

Since I can remember, the most stable thing I have ever had was my family...mainly my mom and sister. I don't have a lot of memories of my dad when I was little as he worked a lot...and at other times, we had run away and hid from him that it made seeing his face either a scary moment or a joyous one. It was constantly an emotional roller coaster--he was an alcoholic and used to be very mean sometimes. We fled when his violent temper grew into rage...but when he began to recover, and I started to get to know him aside from the alcohol, he died.

My brothers are much older than my sister and I, and had both moved out by the time I was seven or so. One wasn't a big part of my life and still isn't to this day as he is 18 years older than I, and the other brother has had a larger role, but was in my life as a constant only momentously. He is 10 years older. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins--these people have fluttered in and out of my life. The only two people that I had close to me my entire life, since the beginning of fear and emotion, were my mom and sister. After my dad's death, Mom, Steph, and I were bonded as "the three."

The three of us had each other to be angry with, to be sad with, happy with, and to be stable with.     To me, this was my rock. My shelter. My refuge. Although I moved out when I was 17 to live here in this county, 130-some odd miles away from them, my heart was still forged into the trio of the strongest relationship I have ever known.

Grievances aside, and pain, anger, and irritability forgotten between us three for a moment, in all things considered, I had the bonds that most other families do not have...until last year.

If you have seen my latest Praise video on YouTube, then you'll know what an awesome miracle that has taken place in the past couple months. (The video is linked at the bottom of this post as well). I also stated that the enemy had stolen that single precious thing from me, but God chose to restore it only when I had learned of His will.

Revelation 21:1-5: "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Aren't they adorable?!

These scriptures bring solidarity to people in mind when realizing that Jesus has come to make us new. He is the risen king. His example lives on in us to replicate every day. We are born to be reborn. We are born to be renewed. We are His. The sheep of His pasture (Psalm 100). For if we are new creations in Him, we must abide in and within Him, and He in and within us. We need to live in accordance to His ways in order to receive the glories and splendors thereof.

Acts 3:19-21: "Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago."

When we turn away from sin and align our ways with God's will, He begins to work out the miracles in our lives. 

I didn't realize what sin I had committed. And until that knowledge could be brought forth, my heart grieved for my losses. All things felt dead to me...I was shaken and torn, hurting poetically because the very thing I had found stability in all those years was no longer there! It crumbled into dust, dissipating into the air.

Because my life form had taken a blow, all things I once had a slight grasp onto were much too hard to grip now. I finally let go because my heart couldn't hold on anymore. In the barren land I found myself in, I had no real hope until a voice called to me and told me to stop trying to carry that which isn't meant to be my burden...

I grew up understanding all things that happened in my life were part of a karma circle and that I had no choice but to try and change what I didn't like, and to endure what I couldn't. It meant that I needed to show the world that whatever was flung at me was bearable, and I could keep going. But my strength was waning with the burdens packing on so much weight. I felt like Atlas, bearing the world on my shoulders...cursed for eternity.

God had other thoughts, however. He says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us..."(Hebrews 12:1). 

We are still meant to run the race, but we cannot possibly do it while carrying the burdens of this world. Those burdens are much too heavy. So instead, we must: "Come to [Him], all who labor and are heavy laden, and [He] will give [us] rest. Take [His] yoke upon you, and learn from [Him], for [He is] gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For [His] yoke is easy, and [His] burden is light.”(Matthew 11:28-30).

The sins can be laid aside as they have no place in our lives. The sins that were washed away in 2006 (when I was baptized) were gone, but the enemy still likes to tangle me up in new sins to keep me bound. 

When I had given my life to Jesus fully at 18-years-old, I, myself, was a new seedling. The old wilted leaves and pieces had been stripped away, and I had to be planted in Godly conditions to grow into what He designed for me. The soil had to be nourishing and I had to be fed with His gospel. When I left the first church I had been planted in, I left desperate for air. I had been too tightly compacted in soil that didn't have enough oxygen. Scared it would happen again, I took my time, waiting for God to show me where He wanted me. A year and a half later, after a poisonous greenhouse, the leaves that were grown after my baptism were wilted and sought after the living water again. I found myself at a new church...seeking God and hardly expecting to be rooted...Once I was rooted, my wilted leaves were stripped again and I had grown new leaves because I had the proper environment for growth. However, there were wicked weeds in my heart that did not belong, which starved the little seedlings in me that God had planted. He had purposed for me to grow fruits, but the enemy's seeds still remained and were poisoning God's garden.

When I lost my stability in "the three," I finally understood that all things in this world are easily manipulated as long as the enemy has control of that which is in this world. God expressed that He had plans for me, but until I started to allow Him to move in my life, weeding out my garden, those blessings would not harvest. And, furthermore, my flowers would not grow into fruits. 

At that point, I was blindly lead off course. I fell away spiritually but knew something had to change. I was determined to allow God to pull me back because the Hell I saw awakened me to the light I had missed and had not been regularly receiving in my heart. In order for plants to grow healthily, you need sunshine. In other words, joy. True joy can only be found in one place, as sunshine only comes from the sun, I needed to receive rays of Son-shine... and that I did. 

I found joy, and with that, peace, tranquility, love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, gratitude...grace.

I found my true saving grace. And that is what I have held onto so strongly for the past year and the best part is that it is truly a light load. Far easier than the burden I had once carried. Now I see flowers budding, more leaves sprouting, and best yet, a reconciled relationship with my family. While I still consider us to be "the three," it is not my source of strength anymore as it should not be. I can, however, show my strength to them and hope and pray for them to find the joy and grace that I received. In this sense, I am the shepherd, still a sheep in God's pasture, but in the world's pasture, I am a herder, not a hurter. 

As I move on in this journey to another residence, I am comforted with His will for me to always be stable in Him, no matter where I am. Home is with Him, the gardener. The one who plants flowers in my heart. There may still be things that I need to do before my residential stability is given, so until then, I will plant flowers for others wherever I may be, because it is God's will that we share the Good News with everyone.

Please be encouraged by my testimony to always look for the light in everything for it will strengthen and nourish your heart. Things may be stolen away, but God is waiting to restore them to you, plus extra! He pays with interest in YOU!

With many flowers budding,

Your Emmy.

My artificial flowers--packing these up was pretty sad :( (haha)