Thursday, January 19, 2012

Accountability for Ourselves

I didn't think that I would be writing again today...but so have it, God revealed some amazing insight with me and I feel compelled to write. This is going to be a little shorter and more to the point than some of my other entries. Maybe not so sweet though...

In our life journeys, we endure trials and obstacles. I firmly believe that with each and every obstacle comes a lesson learned and a purpose. Sometimes the trials are so hard that we end up getting hurt, chastised, or even ignored. But the one thing that remains is that God is always on our side. He doesn't agree with every little thing we think or do, but when we allow Him to, we go through things that He wants us to go through so we can learn from them and shed the weight of our character He doesn't like. We have to climb mountains to exercise our faith. We climb and climb to the top, feeling weak, tired, and sore; however, when we make it through the hardest parts, the rest of the journey is so much easier. While working your way up to the top of the mountain, you may fall and hurt yourself, but you need to keep climbing. You will make it out with abrasions and other wounds, but in the end, these wounds heal and you will have gained so much.

On the other side of the mountain, we can come out with having learned humility, compassion, love, understanding, and inner strength, amongst so many other things. We can look at our healing wounds and the scars with a poor attitude, wondering why we look so worn and imperfect. However, choosing to accept these scars as battle scars helps in attitude because we won the battle. We are winning the war! According to your faith, you can define this war in any particular way you desire. The war can be raged against life itself, or maybe the enemy that we recognize as Satan, perhaps even ourselves, but one thing is certain--life is hard, sometimes it doesn't ever get easier, but the more we are adamant in pushing through, the easier it will be to come out on the other side.

So how does this relate to taking accountability for our actions and for ourselves? If we play the victim, we will always be the victim unless we decide otherwise. If we allow the negativity in our lives to upset our thinking, our actions will soon follow the same negative pattern if we aren't careful. It can hurt others around us and the worse part is that you may not even realize it. When you realize it, it becomes even harder to change and make better. I speak from the heart in this matter because I have experienced it from both sides.

I write this because I deeply care about every person who comes across this blog and seeks to find something...if you are reading this to learn about God and a growing spirituality, or here for reading about my words and my thoughts, specifically if you do not have nice thoughts about me and are trying to find evidence for reasons why, then I encourage you to think about where your thoughts are coming from.

I wrote previously, and on numerous occasions, about holding our thoughts captive. I may be the author of this entire public blog, but I am also a student in it, for when I am learning new things, I like to write about them here. My blog is not a place for judgment or condemnation, nor is it a place for others to take my words and use them against me, but more or less to talk openly about my spiritual journey and encouraging others to join me...

I hope this clears up a lot of thoughts about my purpose in writing my blog, or that maybe you can understand where my heart really is. I find that the more I try to show my heart, the more it gets beaten. This is the only place I have almost completely felt safe to reveal it in the open and when I feel my heart isn't in the right place, I don't write, knowing that my words will affect others. My mind resorts to Proverbs 4:23, which says, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." I have learned that even in the truest of intentions, our hearts get hurt when we don't realize the course we are walking upon.

So with this in mind, I hope you all have an amazing day and that you are blessed. If I could give you all a hug, I would...and that is truth right there.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Upwards Growth/Growing Upwards...

My birthday is in a few weeks and I will be 23-years-old. It hardly seems old, but it certainly feels that way, especially since I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get where I am in the world today. I still have a lot of obstacles. I like to say that the mountain always looks bigger from the top or from the bottom--basically, in the middle (the hardest part) or from the beginning of the journey. It's all about perspective. I always like to refer to life as a series of mountains and trails because the issues we go through and endure are ascending and descending points in our journeys.

I'm not the only one to compare life to such an earthy terrain; Sheryl Crow's famous hit, "Everyday is a Winding Road" is a great example. Want a sample? Here:

So, it is January...the month of new beginnings and hopes. New Year's Resolutions are a big topic to talk about, and yet, so easily given up upon. I don't have much room to speak, especially since I only kept about half of my resolutions--even then, some of them weren't exactly how I had pictured these goals to be. However, I will rejoice in saying that in the past year, I have grown upward. I cannot say that I am completely "grown up," as I don't think that any specific person can truly say he or she has reached the culmination point of growth. As beings with minds, hearts, and spirits, in an ever-changing world, we are constantly growing in many areas. That isn't to say that we are limited by our 'selves,' but in a general sense of 'being,' we are adaptable, and therefore, always capable of getting better at being some form of ourselves in an improved way--completely biased on perspective, of course.

Okay, so this blog isn't completely like my other ones--where I discuss Biblical principles or inspiration. Today, I wanted only to talk about growing upwards. Let's use that term from now on--upwards. I think it sounds more true to the meaning--or at least the meaning of it that I am trying to convey here in these simple words. Words are just words, after all, but I do find that they float around in my mind, in no particular order, until they are overflowing. Whence overflowing, each word sputters out as if it were manufactured by a single machine. Each word is a simple piece of a larger contraption...and they slowly build up to become something better. Okay, that was randomly off-topic. To tie it in, I suppose I could comment on how I feel that my upwards growth reveals a less random spiel of you believe me? I wouldn't... ^.^

So, back to topic. Upwards growth. Growing upwards. My story starts out with last year--while I had a deeply philosophical principle in thinking, I was lacking on a spiritual side. I prayed, but didn't like to meditate. Sometimes I get into a deep mindset where I can be so selfish in thinking all about my life and getting what I need to survive, but am brought back to humble ground when I am forced to feel empathy or sadness for another person. I get so wrapped up in the things that don't really matter in the essence of things, so in turn, my spirituality lacks because the physical and practical things are being met in a better way. Of course, sometimes this isn't easy to control--I had a huge life change occur in 2010, and it took me several months to adjust. I am still adjusting to some of it, but I think that's where my upwards growth occurred.

So here is a little back story of my life for you to understand my thinking perhaps a smidgeon. The longest stability I have ever had in my life was living with my family for a couple years in one place, to only move again...and again...and again...and yet again. My mind was trained to continually uproot myself in friendships, family, and most social situations. I can still be quite socially awkward...which I find is easily blamed on and given credit to the 'nurture' perspective. Wouldn't that be a cop-out though?

I think back to who I was five years ago, and I realize that I was very introverted, trudging through emotional pressures by burying them. I resisted change and didn't want to let go of the pains and hurts, but at one point, I realized that holding them in my heart is just like ingesting poison, day after day. That was the big life change I endured in 2010. Done was I with the victim mentality, the pain, and the pity parties.

I believe in change...we are meant to evolve. My evolution periods are just different than everyone else. Through this change, I gained so much growth in my 'self' and in a spiritual way. What I go through is not caused by nor influenced solely by my past, but instead, by my current decisions. If I fail to complete a project today, I reap the consequences tomorrow, and I cannot blame my past for it.

So I will live in today. Today I choose to not feel guilty anymore for who I am in my journey. I am at the top of my mountain, slowly descending to calmer roads...where I can give subtle advice to those seeking it. I embrace change now. In fact, I like to know what I can become. If I don't change, then the person I want to be is a reflection of a dream land-- far away, untouchable, since my old person doesn't fit into the world of my desires. I want to me extroverted, kinder, thoughtful, loving, bubbly, passionate, uplifting, inspiring, carefree, and so many more.

Gotta keep shedding the old stuff to make room for the new! Here's to a NEW year! 2012 is going to be even better than last year, and I will love myself even more this year than I did last year.

Let your self-love pull you through your trials and embrace those strengths.

With snowy "peaks,"

Your Emmy.

 (Picture was taken of the trees in the back yard)
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