Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fruit is Only As Sweet As Its Source

It's Sunday...kind of a laid back and semi-peaceful day...but I woke up feeling sad. I first woke up at 9:27, thinking I was forgetting to do something, and fearing I had overslept. I realized that I didn't have anywhere to go, and nothing to do, so I fell back asleep until 11:43. I would have gone to church, but with no car, and rides hard to come by, I was unable to go. I did manage to get six and a half hours of some light sleep, but nothing too deep and satisfying. So I'm running on that, keeping my chin as high as possible...
My heart is full of storms and I've been fighting so many battles--Sadness comes in and breaks my heart into tiny little pieces almost daily now, and it's easy to hide it when I choose--an easy facade, but when I hide it from others, I also hide it from myself, easily forgetting how I feel--feeling practically nothing. Numbness is a state that I live in, but when something overwhelming happens, all those emotions come out and the battles are high and I feel like I am trapped in the trenches.

I KNOW that this is so not true, but the heart deceives...(Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?") Emotions blind us.

...and l have been blinded. You have been too.

The heart makes us feel sad, fearful, anxious, angry, and lonely. The mind hears words to act upon those feelings, and they are whispered in our ears by the enemy, the very same one who wants drag us down with him...he comes to only to steal, kill, and destroy--and this means your joy, your happiness, and your life! (John 10:10). Your heart is the sensory system in you that allows you to feel. You don't have a bad heart if you are in the light, but if you choose darkness, your heart is sick. And darkness can be choosing to live with sadness and pain, feeling numb, like I have been.
As part of the mental health portion of my Living, Laughing, Loving series, I really wanted to take my time in finding a way to write out this part with complete love and clarity. I don't have all the answers, but my Lord, my God, my Healer does...and by His grace and His inspiration, I find the peace in my heart at this moment to describe the journey to fight depression. It's simple. Very simple--but it does take work and diligence.

I come from a very raw place as I pour out these words. They are the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, and my heart wants to share part of my testimony with you...Before you read forth, please remember that as humans, and children, that we make mistakes, but we learn from them and move forward because of the Graces of God. He wills us to get up and move forward, believing that He pushed us to do it. His plan is for us to follow Him...So, please, no judgment for my decisions...for you are judged yourself.

My heart and the enemy have been beating me down, forcing me to feel as though I have nobody left in this life...nobody who cares enough to want to be around me, to help push me to follow my dreams. I don't trust people, and those I do are a very select crowd, but that feels like it's slimming down as people become more and more busy. The foothold I had keeping me from slipping into a place of the broken spirit, the broken soul, and the almost dead is crumbling...or so it feels. There it goes again--feeling. The emotions and lies cloud my vision, and it's time to let them go--to God, that is. I can't help how I feel, nor do I know how to change that, but one thing I do know is that once you release them, they are gone--and in the name of Jesus, a broken heart cannot stay. It has to leave. There is no other cure than the love of God.

In my life, I have always seen people come in and out, like a vanishing trick. It's a constant with me. I had grown to believe that I have abandoned, and have a deep fear of that. It happened with my dad never being around, bouncing in and out of my life leading up to his untimely and unexpected death when I was 10. My mom stopped being around as much--she disappeared. At first I hardly saw her, but then her body returned to the normal life, but her heart and her spirit were gone. They died when my dad did. Other people have shuffled in and out like shadows...and I'm used to that now in mind, but my heart isn't. I never grow close to people because I don't want to give something away and open up to see them disappear...I don't give my heart out, but it surely does feel isolated when I don't.

Loneliness has been so constant in my life--I've moved over 25 times, more than the number of years I have lived, and friends to me are people who come and go, sadly to say. I don't like getting close to people. It's the heart that wants to conceal my true self in fear that no one would like what they saw. Love is a word that I don't tell people often...I do love, but I don't express it. Words to me are more expression in a written or painted form, but never spoken. Even me, as a singer, have a hard time opening up my heart through song...I can, but not to other people. In times of severe loneliness, I have sought out things that I shouldn't have...people I shouldn't have. As humans, we interchange presence for love, attention for love, lust for love. We have thirst for affection, attention, love...and when we receive the things that make us feel loved, we want more...and more.

"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it" --Song of Solomon 8:7

I confess my sins here. I looked for the waters of love, the physical boundaries of love have been explored, and yet, I found no stable feeling--no deep peace or  "Aha!" for what I found. The lands I saw were desolate and even more lonely. What a dark and sad place, leaving me wanting to feel it all over again.

"I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!" Solomon 5:6-7.

Sugar--sweet and satisfying for a moment, is not substantial nor lasting. Fruits are sweet. But if we grasp for those of the wrong tree, we find bitter and tasteless flesh. Sex without love is not sweet. It lasts for a moment, but when it is over, your heart is no better off than you were before, and it aches for the cycle to repeat. I do not often regret choices I've made as I learn from them. I have learned. And I still learn. Applying that knowledge, I have grown stronger. I am tempted always...especially on days like today when I am "isolated" and alone (or so my heart says)...

However, in the stagecoach of my life, my heart and spirit fight like sisters over the reins. My mind must be prepared to play the mother--to choose the right course. When the heart is in control, there is an emotional mess, but if the spirit is in control, then there are stable decisions, stable roads, and a steady driver--no anxiety upon your mind. Your heart will be content because your spirit is connected with the beautiful Holy Spirit, filling you to overflowing in love and attention.

When your mind (or the driver of your stagecoach) is aware of what's going on, then the heart and spirit are not fighting over who gets control over the destination...

But how do you become aware?

By listening to your thoughts. If you cannot listen, write them down. Read them after a few moments and meditate. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Why do I feel like this? What is the root of these feelings?
2. Who has control of this situation?
3. Am I relying on someone else to help me feel better? Is it working?
4. What is stable, steady, sturdy? Where can I find this?

I pray that you don't find the pain in the cyclic search for love. Love will find you when you are patient. God knows what your heart feels, so let Him know when you need Him to swoop in and help you feel better! He loves to be Daddy--the rescuer from the big, bad, scary monsters. Today, I am glad I chose to listen to a few worship songs than seek out another mistake. My body is a temple, and I am trying very hard to keep it this way. I have been forgiven for the sins I committed long ago, but that doesn't mean that the enemy won't whisper thoughts into my mind...that my heart won't ache for "sugar," and my flesh won't desire... it just means that I've got to play "Mama" to my heart and spirit, and tell them who's in charge!

The right person does not have to be pursued. Love, like the wind, blows where it will; it cannot be caught in a butterfly net. If we go out hunting for love it will bound away frightened into the forest and hide amid the foliage. If we wait at the edge of the forest, quiet and patient and simply looking with welcoming eyes, love will be intrigued. Slowly, diffidently, it will draw toward us and nuzzle its way into our heart(s). 
~~Libby Willis~~

May your day be filled with light and sweet tasting fruits of our Loving God! If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me, and I'll try to encourage you. Also, our Father is dying for you to come talk to Him too! 

Great big hugs to all my sisters and brothers!


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lights Camera...Bellezza!

I have some updates for you, my chickadees! 

I am so very excited to share with you that as of this moment, I have have gained another seven (7!!) subscribers to my YouTube channel. For those of you who are not very familiar with how this works, subscriptions are free, and basically show support to my channel. I am not making money through YouTube through its Partner program with Google Adsense, and I won't. I do not want the basis of my video content to be inspired by the possibility of making money for each video posted. There is no control over which ads are placed, and many of them are for sites that I would never promote anyway. However, if other opportunities present themselves to me, I will consider them and update you all at that time. For now, I am using YouTube as a way to express my artistic endeavors, as well as it providing a visual presentation of my portfolio and skills using myself as the model. Obviously I have other content besides the make-up and beauty, and that is partly due to expressing art through my videography skills, as well as broadening my interests up.

This year, one of my biggest goals was to pursue my efforts in the makeup artistry profession. I need clients so I can actually make money from it. I so far haven't charged for any of my work, and most of that was because I wanted to build a small photographic portfolio, and as a practice run for me to work on others and see if it was something I really wanted to invest my time and energy into... 

Here are the results.
I know I have spoken about wanting to get certified through Kandee Johnson and her Glaminar tours, but due to some financial difficulties, I was not able to attend and gain the certification through her. At this time, there is another tour with certifying classes coming up, however, the cost is significantly more than the Glaminar...but for good reasons. I actually receive nearly $2,000 worth of products to start my artistry business with...without the price tag. At this particular moment, I have no idea if I will be able to afford to go, but it is worth a shot. If they come to Seattle, it would be the most inexpensive way to go about it, as there will be no traveling costs except for the ferry on the way back home. So keep me in your prayers for this, please! =)

In the meantime, regardless of the certification, I still want to go forth with this dream and make it reality. I've been thinking about how to build this clientele base, and I've been talking about having make-up classes for three months now, for which I've received some great feedback. It has also been suggested to me that I should put together some make-up parties to get the word out there...Well.....

I have a better idea! It's a party. It's a class. It's a show...a fun and exciting one!

Lights. Cameras. and Bellezza.... hehe

It involves a lot of people, a lot of work, and a lot of creativity. I know this very vague right now, but there are so many details to work out, so for now, I don't want to give them out in case they need to change! 

But stay tuned in because I am going to take you all along for this ride! I am going to have my Dreams Series kick off video soon, and this will talk more about achieving goals. Don't worry--it won't be boring. 

So what are your big dreams? Share them with me! 
You can do anything because we have the Power in us that says we can through Him! Remember that you are a star... and you can shine very bright if you let your inner light shine. =)

Many starry lights and glamour,


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Modern Jonah & My Nineveh

We all like to have new beginnings...a fresh start, a clean slate. You can get this every day by staying renewed in the Living Word of God...and living truthfully in Him. If you are honest with your life and give it to God, asking for change, He will move the world for you. He gave His son for us, so why not the world? He so loves us and wants so much to be in our presence. As that wonderful Daddy, wouldn't we want to share in His presence as well?

I had a huge revelation recently. God placed the word, "Nineveh" into my mind the other day, and I had no idea why. I really should have read on it, but I misplaced that thought until a few days ago...and again, just moments ago. I read a blog entry by Tiffany Myers (a link is provided) and someone had commented that Nineveh had been on her mind on the same exact day it was on my mind too! It's amazing how God moves on our lives and how He reveals information to us each day about His amazing plans for our lives...

So the big question is, what is Nineveh?

Nineveh was a city in ancient Assyria, near the Tigris River and in the country we now know as Iraq. It is first mentioned in Genesis as Asher went forth to build this massive city: "From that land he went forth into Assyria, and built Nineveh and Rehoboth-Ir and Calah"(Genesis 10:11). The city stood for many, many years, amassing to be the capital of the Assyrian Empire. This information can be found in Kings and Chronicles. In the Bible, Nineveh was known for violence and conquering neighboring territories, thus destroying what was already there, and terrorizing the lands and their peoples. 

 Jonah, a prophet, had been called by God to go and preach the Gospel to the criminals and evil-doers in Nineveh. " The Lord gave this message to Jonah, son of Amittai: 'Get up and go to the great city of Nineveh. Announce my judgment against it because I have seen how wicked its people are.'" (Jonah 1:1-2). As this city had a terrible reputation for being cruel and inhumane, Jonah fled hoping to escape his calling out of fear. You may know the fascinating and amazing testimony Jonah had to share afterward as he was the man who was swallowed by a fish...If you've seen the Veggie Tales version of the Jonah story, I'm sure you would remember it...Remember The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything? hehe It's a very catchy song. =)

Because Jonah disobeyed God, and went so far as to run away from Him, God created the merciless storm, wreaking havoc upon the ship and its crew...who in turn tossed Jonah overboard when they discovered Jonah's sin. The skies cleared thereafter, and God, being so very merciful, allowed Jonah to live, by sending a giant fish, who swallowed him whole. He lived in the fish for three days and three nights...only until he repented of his sin.  Jonah survived and went into Nineveh hoping God would destroy the evil city as He had destroyed so many evil cities in the days of Deuteronomy. He prophesied to the people, declaring that in 40 days time, they would witness a great massacre to their beloved city unless they repented (3:3-6). Full of a Godly fear, the people fasted and wore burlap as a sign of humility and disgrace. Even their powerful king removed his elegant robes to wear burlap and fast. The entire city repented! Oh what a joyous day that was for the Kingdom! This city was so huge that "it took three days to see it all" (3:3). For a city that large, its population would have been booming...isn't it amazing how God could touch the hearts of all those sinners for them to repent and humble themselves in such a fastidious and obedient way? God forgave them and decided against punishing them. What an amazing God! 120,000+ people were spared because of God's compassion! (4:11).

The theme of his Jonah's story is to show God's He creates seeds of desires in us to fulfill a purpose. His mighty purpose. I think the word "Nineveh" coming into my mind was no simple and coincidental thing. God wants me to reflect upon the ancient story, finding how to relate it to my life...

So, let's continue with the story...

Jonah wasn't happy about God's compassion for the city of Nineveh... You know why? Pride. The pride he felt blocked the ability for him to rejoice in God's victory... He stated that he ran away from God knowing that if he prophesied to the people, God would forgive them. He didn't want to be wrong. When Jonah ventured east from the city into the desert, he suffered under the scorching sun and proclaimed that he would rather die "if what [he] predicted [would] not happen" (4:3).God, very clever indeed, set a plant with broad leaves to grow where Jonah's shelter, shading him from the burning sun. However, He also placed a worm there, who ate the nutrients the plant desperately needed, killing it. Jonah cried out, asking for death, full of anger and retort. The Lord said, "'You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly. But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn't I feel sorry for such a great city?'" (4:10-11). 

Can I stop there and just say, WOW? I think the greatest thing to learn from this book is to understand compassion and mercy for others, finding forgiveness for weaknesses and faults. God loves everyone, and He felt so very sorry for Nineveh, who proved to Him that they truly did feel remorse for their actions--even their own king had set a decree that all in the city had to wear the burlap and fast--not even feeding their animals because the evil in the city was so great. 

The thing I love most about the Living Word is that even though the content of each book took place thousands of years ago, and the times were so very different, we can still take each principle and parable and apply that to our lives.

Jonah is the perfect example of my life right now. I've been struggling to get my head above water, drowning in medical issues and debt, barely breathing between homework assignments and trying to pay for class, and keep ahead of all my social networking and media endeavors to better my situation. In the past few weeks, subtle words have entered my mind at moments of stress and irritation--thoughts too horrible to say, but nonetheless, ones dark enough to merit a long heartfelt conversation with friends, and deep prayers. When the word "Nineveh" came into my mind a week ago, I didn't really know what it was...I knew the story of Jonah--well, the gist of it, but I had never read the whole book. I saw the Veggie Tales version (hehe) and read about the book in essays and other books, but didn't really understand how I could relate this to my life.

Lately, I have felt very desperate for things that I need, moments of, affection, attention--loneliness to be spared so I could live normally again. I can empathize with Jonah because he didn't think he served a purpose in God's plan for Nineveh--but rather thought God just wanted him to do something for the sake of doing it. He didn't understand God's plan, nor did he care to understand, even later, how much of an impact he made on thousands upon thousands of lives. Instead, he found pride and anger. He didn't feel joy and rejoice in how God used him to fulfill this amazing miracle.

Almost a year ago I met a prophet and had an amazing prophesy placed over my life. It connected what feelings I felt as a nine-year-old, staring out into the night at all the twinkling city lights when I should have been asleep, seeing a huge world out there for me to be encapsulated in, and to prosper, with the destiny I know I am supposed to fulfill. I knew at a tender age that I have a huge purpose in this life, and yet, (at the time) even though I didn't know what that purpose was, it would make a big mark on the world. 

On those days when I feel sad, lonely...depressed and overly anxious, I lose sight of what that future is...of what it is supposed to hold. The enemy whispers thoughts into my ears, telling me that I'm not good enough for God to use, that all my friends don't want to talk to me, so why would I be able to make my impression on the world through God... such terrible thoughts...leading to "Why don't you just end it now? Come on. You're in such a mess right now and you're just spinning in circles...No one wants you..." 

The story of Jonah proves that awful enemy wrong! God could have easily destroyed the city without warning...or He could have made Himself appear in a burning bush to the king, announcing His plans for destruction unless the entire city repented. But He didn't. Instead, He chose Jonah to carry out His good works, knowing every mistake Jonah would make...including the running away. If God could grant mercy upon Jonah for even being angry with Him for not destroying the city, then maybe I do have a chance! Maybe what this whole "Nineveh" story was about God telling me He still wants to use me, but I've got to learn a few things first? The incredible thing about Nineveh is that over 120,000 came into agreement to repent for their sins--granting mercy and forgiveness from the only One who grants life.

For such horrid deeds, they were forgiven. 

A few months ago, I met the prophet again, who prophesied over me again, in a casual encounter with many of my dear friends surrounding me, standing in awe. He spoke over me stating that I have a purpose and God wants me to fulfill that purpose. When the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me, the light shines so brightly that those who see darkness will see the light... Could this be my Nineveh story? Could I be a Jonah of the 2000 millennium? Perhaps you are too!

God is amazing. I encourage you all to explore and research those random "ancient" words that come into your head--they just might lead you to an amazing lesson as it did with me! God has many things to tell us, to show us, and to give us, but we must be ready for them too! So let's get prepared! The best way to prepare is to arm yourselves in the Word of how do you do that? By simply reading it! 

It is my hope that once a week I will write a blog such as this one (maybe shorter though hahaha) regarding a lesson in any of the books in the Bible. I want this to be informational, yet encouraging, and not in a textbook kind of way. In no way am I going to paraphrase the whole Bible for the world, but rather I will use this weekly entry to gain the valuable artillery of the God's book. I want to be able to understand the history leading up to the New Testament. This is my own Bible study and may only be guided by God Himself with His inspirations...or by the request of another person. =)

So grab a comfy pillow, a cup of steamy hot chocolate, and cuddle up with the best selling book of all time: The Bible. 

With much love and joy,


Monday, January 17, 2011

Dominatrix Art

Okay, so I know I promised that I was going to post this yesterday, but I got sidetracked with another video project. With this new video schedule, I'm put to the test with time. I may rethink some of the scheduling due to having a busy school schedule and homework. I really do not want to spread myself too thin. However, for now, keep referring to my previous entry until further notice.

I got some amazing feedback on the Dominatrix look...I was inspired by the photo on the left, which was sent to me by a friend, requesting a tutorial on this look. I did change a few things about it, to fit my face & eye shapes, as well as give it more of an Emalyce touch. =)

Because I do explain most of my techniques in my video, I will not ramble on about how I applied which color with which brush. I'm sure a lot of you can either figure that out, or else just shoot me an email. =)  (products used in the video will be listed at the very bottom of this post).

The appeal in this eye make-up look is so very high. I love editorial make-up--the kind you see on high-end make-up posters and advertisements. Not only are they fun, but they show the true art that exists in the make-up world. This eye look, being edgy and fierce, opened up a persona for me that was both daring and individualized by my desire to be different--unique.

What I hope comes from this look and the character I developed, is that I further explore editorial make-up, using new techniques, expressing the art that my muses so desperately seek to draw out...I'm an artist, but very unexperienced and untrained. I only use the skills I have, just hoping to make it look uniquely my own.

I plan to further explore the likelihood of expanding out with the editorial things a little more in the future...but for now, here's some happy super editorialized photographs and high fashion make-up. I've begun ending every video with the phrase: "Be electric," because that's who we should be--electric and bold in ourselves.

Products Used in Eye,Dominatrix

Urban Decay Primer Potion

Wet 'N Wild Kohl eyeliner pencil in Black

Base Color
Mac Fluidline in Blacktrack

Mixing Medium for Foiling Technique
Mac Fix+ Fixing Spray

Blue Shadow
Profusion shimmer palette--medium blue

 Black Shadow Stick
Wet 'N Wild MegaEyes Creme Shadow in Graphite

Highlight Shadow & Gold 
Giovi palette: off white and lightest gold

Base Eye Liner
Wet 'N Wild Kohl eyeliner pencil in Black

Intense Liner
Mac Fluidline in Blacktrack

Revlon Dark Brown Eyebrow shadow
Benefit Bad Gal Lash in Black

Facial Highlighting
Benefit High Beam

Jordana Retractable Red Liner
Wet 'N Wild MegaLips in Cherry Blossom
Pink Shimmer: Shimmery Salmon color from Giovi eyeshadow palette

Mac LipGlass Pencil in Rosebound
No. 7 Lip Glace in Caramel

Have a fantastic, electric day!
Statically yours,


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Dreaming. Doing, Daring to Achieve

I do apologize greatly for not updating my blog with the series I am working on, nor the general quick updates...I have started school again for the quarter, have not been feeling well, and to top that off I am very busy planning things...yes, BIG things. =)

If any of you are subscribed to my YouTube channel or regularly watch any of my videos there, you'll know that I have planned a very big "Resolving to Change" series that will continue on for the entire year. In this series, I upload many different videos with several kinds of content...ranging from weight loss, make-up tutorials, to crafts, goals, vlogs and updates on my life, etc. I have such high aspirations for this year and hope that I can achieve them...

See the power....?!?!
No, I don't just hope, I KNOW I will achieve them because there is a greater power that rests within me, and He says that I can do all things with Him. How's that for an amazing inspiration? How can I fail when He is guiding me step by step?

So, here is a schedule of my video uploads, just so you can get a general idea of when I try to upload them...

Sunday  Weight Loss updates
Tuesday Crafts, cooking, or etc.
Thursday Health, etc.
Friday Makeup Tutorials

Once a month, I will also upload a "Dreams Update" video talking about all the goals I have for the New Year, and the steps I've taken to achieve them. =)

Then again, this schedule is bound to change...depending on my workload at school, and other commitments. 

As for my blog, I have weekly plans for it as well:

Sunday  (upload of weight loss video--broken down into blog form)
Tuesday (recipe or new craft idea, etc.)
Wednesday LLL series update, or other similar post
Friday (upload of make up tutorial--product information & techniques)

And, if anything else strikes my fancy, I will upload that too. =)

Where the magic happens...
my handy "dream diary"
Thank you all for supporting my passion to share my hobbies, interests, and dreams with you. I hope that you are doing well with your New Year's Resolutions...keep going! Plan, Do, Succeed! Don't let anything stop are loved in the biggest way imaginable, and are so very cherished. You are so worth it! Show the world what you've got...and don't be afraid. This year, I'm letting fear go. It has no place in my life. If I want to live out my dreams, I cannot have fear. 

Lots of blank, empty pages to write out your dreamy life...and the pretty little gel pens to fill the pages with,


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