It's Sunday...kind of a laid back and semi-peaceful day...but I woke up feeling sad. I first woke up at 9:27, thinking I was forgetting to do something, and fearing I had overslept. I realized that I didn't have anywhere to go, and nothing to do, so I fell back asleep until 11:43. I would have gone to church, but with no car, and rides hard to come by, I was unable to go. I did manage to get six and a half hours of some light sleep, but nothing too deep and satisfying. So I'm running on that, keeping my chin as high as possible...
My heart is full of storms and I've been fighting so many battles--Sadness comes in and breaks my heart into tiny little pieces almost daily now, and it's easy to hide it when I choose--an easy facade, but when I hide it from others, I also hide it from myself, easily forgetting how I feel--feeling practically nothing. Numbness is a state that I live in, but when something overwhelming happens, all those emotions come out and the battles are high and I feel like I am trapped in the trenches.
I KNOW that this is so not true, but the heart deceives...(Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?") Emotions blind us.
...and l have been blinded. You have been too.
The heart makes us feel sad, fearful, anxious, angry, and lonely. The mind hears words to act upon those feelings, and they are whispered in our ears by the enemy, the very same one who wants drag us down with him...he comes to only to steal, kill, and destroy--and this means your joy, your happiness, and your life! (John 10:10). Your heart is the sensory system in you that allows you to feel. You don't have a bad heart if you are in the light, but if you choose darkness, your heart is sick. And darkness can be choosing to live with sadness and pain, feeling numb, like I have been.
As part of the mental health portion of my Living, Laughing, Loving series, I really wanted to take my time in finding a way to write out this part with complete love and clarity. I don't have all the answers, but my Lord, my God, my Healer does...and by His grace and His inspiration, I find the peace in my heart at this moment to describe the journey to fight depression. It's simple. Very simple--but it does take work and diligence.
I come from a very raw place as I pour out these words. They are the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, and my heart wants to share part of my testimony with you...Before you read forth, please remember that as humans, and children, that we make mistakes, but we learn from them and move forward because of the Graces of God. He wills us to get up and move forward, believing that He pushed us to do it. His plan is for us to follow Him...So, please, no judgment for my decisions...for you are judged yourself.
My heart and the enemy have been beating me down, forcing me to feel as though I have nobody left in this life...nobody who cares enough to want to be around me, to help push me to follow my dreams. I don't trust people, and those I do are a very select crowd, but that feels like it's slimming down as people become more and more busy. The foothold I had keeping me from slipping into a place of the broken spirit, the broken soul, and the almost dead is crumbling...or so it feels. There it goes again--feeling. The emotions and lies cloud my vision, and it's time to let them go--to God, that is. I can't help how I feel, nor do I know how to change that, but one thing I do know is that once you release them, they are gone--and in the name of Jesus, a broken heart cannot stay. It has to leave. There is no other cure than the love of God.
In my life, I have always seen people come in and out, like a vanishing trick. It's a constant with me. I had grown to believe that I have abandoned, and have a deep fear of that. It happened with my dad never being around, bouncing in and out of my life leading up to his untimely and unexpected death when I was 10. My mom stopped being around as much--she disappeared. At first I hardly saw her, but then her body returned to the normal life, but her heart and her spirit were gone. They died when my dad did. Other people have shuffled in and out like shadows...and I'm used to that now in mind, but my heart isn't. I never grow close to people because I don't want to give something away and open up to see them disappear...I don't give my heart out, but it surely does feel isolated when I don't.
Loneliness has been so constant in my life--I've moved over 25 times, more than the number of years I have lived, and friends to me are people who come and go, sadly to say. I don't like getting close to people. It's the heart that wants to conceal my true self in fear that no one would like what they saw. Love is a word that I don't tell people often...I do love, but I don't express it. Words to me are more expression in a written or painted form, but never spoken. Even me, as a singer, have a hard time opening up my heart through song...I can, but not to other people. In times of severe loneliness, I have sought out things that I shouldn't have...people I shouldn't have. As humans, we interchange presence for love, attention for love, lust for love. We have thirst for affection, attention, love...and when we receive the things that make us feel loved, we want more...and more.
I confess my sins here. I looked for the waters of love, the physical boundaries of love have been explored, and yet, I found no stable feeling--no deep peace or "Aha!" for what I found. The lands I saw were desolate and even more lonely. What a dark and sad place, leaving me wanting to feel it all over again.
"I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!" Solomon 5:6-7.
Sugar--sweet and satisfying for a moment, is not substantial nor lasting. Fruits are sweet. But if we grasp for those of the wrong tree, we find bitter and tasteless flesh. Sex without love is not sweet. It lasts for a moment, but when it is over, your heart is no better off than you were before, and it aches for the cycle to repeat. I do not often regret choices I've made as I learn from them. I have learned. And I still learn. Applying that knowledge, I have grown stronger. I am tempted always...especially on days like today when I am "isolated" and alone (or so my heart says)...
However, in the stagecoach of my life, my heart and spirit fight like sisters over the reins. My mind must be prepared to play the mother--to choose the right course. When the heart is in control, there is an emotional mess, but if the spirit is in control, then there are stable decisions, stable roads, and a steady driver--no anxiety upon your mind. Your heart will be content because your spirit is connected with the beautiful Holy Spirit, filling you to overflowing in love and attention.
When your mind (or the driver of your stagecoach) is aware of what's going on, then the heart and spirit are not fighting over who gets control over the destination...
But how do you become aware?
By listening to your thoughts. If you cannot listen, write them down. Read them after a few moments and meditate. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Why do I feel like this? What is the root of these feelings?
2. Who has control of this situation?
3. Am I relying on someone else to help me feel better? Is it working?
4. What is stable, steady, sturdy? Where can I find this?
I pray that you don't find the pain in the cyclic search for love. Love will find you when you are patient. God knows what your heart feels, so let Him know when you need Him to swoop in and help you feel better! He loves to be Daddy--the rescuer from the big, bad, scary monsters. Today, I am glad I chose to listen to a few worship songs than seek out another mistake. My body is a temple, and I am trying very hard to keep it this way. I have been forgiven for the sins I committed long ago, but that doesn't mean that the enemy won't whisper thoughts into my mind...that my heart won't ache for "sugar," and my flesh won't desire... it just means that I've got to play "Mama" to my heart and spirit, and tell them who's in charge!
The right person does not have to be pursued. Love, like the wind, blows where it will; it cannot be caught in a butterfly net. If we go out hunting for love it will bound away frightened into the forest and hide amid the foliage. If we wait at the edge of the forest, quiet and patient and simply looking with welcoming eyes, love will be intrigued. Slowly, diffidently, it will draw toward us and nuzzle its way into our heart(s).
May your day be filled with light and sweet tasting fruits of our Loving God! If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me, and I'll try to encourage you. Also, our Father is dying for you to come talk to Him too!
Great big hugs to all my sisters and brothers!