My birthday is in a few weeks and I will be 23-years-old. It hardly seems old, but it certainly feels that way, especially since I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get where I am in the world today. I still have a lot of obstacles. I like to say that the mountain always looks bigger from the top or from the bottom--basically, in the middle (the hardest part) or from the beginning of the journey. It's all about perspective. I always like to refer to life as a series of mountains and trails because the issues we go through and endure are ascending and descending points in our journeys.
I'm not the only one to compare life to such an earthy terrain; Sheryl Crow's famous hit, "Everyday is a Winding Road" is a great example. Want a sample? Here:
So, it is January...the month of new beginnings and hopes. New Year's Resolutions are a big topic to talk about, and yet, so easily given up upon. I don't have much room to speak, especially since I only kept about half of my resolutions--even then, some of them weren't exactly how I had pictured these goals to be. However, I will rejoice in saying that in the past year, I have grown upward. I cannot say that I am completely "grown up," as I don't think that any specific person can truly say he or she has reached the culmination point of growth. As beings with minds, hearts, and spirits, in an ever-changing world, we are constantly growing in many areas. That isn't to say that we are limited by our 'selves,' but in a general sense of 'being,' we are adaptable, and therefore, always capable of getting better at being some form of ourselves in an improved way--completely biased on perspective, of course.
Okay, so this blog isn't completely like my other ones--where I discuss Biblical principles or inspiration. Today, I wanted only to talk about growing upwards. Let's use that term from now on--upwards. I think it sounds more true to the meaning--or at least the meaning of it that I am trying to convey here in these simple words. Words are just words, after all, but I do find that they float around in my mind, in no particular order, until they are overflowing. Whence overflowing, each word sputters out as if it were manufactured by a single machine. Each word is a simple piece of a larger contraption...and they slowly build up to become something better. Okay, that was randomly off-topic. To tie it in, I suppose I could comment on how I feel that my upwards growth reveals a less random spiel of thoughts...do you believe me? I wouldn't... ^.^
So, back to topic. Upwards growth. Growing upwards. My story starts out with last year--while I had a deeply philosophical principle in thinking, I was lacking on a spiritual side. I prayed, but didn't like to meditate. Sometimes I get into a deep mindset where I can be so selfish in thinking all about my life and getting what I need to survive, but am brought back to humble ground when I am forced to feel empathy or sadness for another person. I get so wrapped up in the things that don't really matter in the essence of things, so in turn, my spirituality lacks because the physical and practical things are being met in a better way. Of course, sometimes this isn't easy to control--I had a huge life change occur in 2010, and it took me several months to adjust. I am still adjusting to some of it, but I think that's where my upwards growth occurred.
So here is a little back story of my life for you to understand my thinking perhaps a smidgeon. The longest stability I have ever had in my life was living with my family for a couple years in one place, to only move again...and again...and again...and yet again. My mind was trained to continually uproot myself in friendships, family, and most social situations. I can still be quite socially awkward...which I find is easily blamed on and given credit to the 'nurture' perspective. Wouldn't that be a cop-out though?
I think back to who I was five years ago, and I realize that I was very introverted, trudging through emotional pressures by burying them. I resisted change and didn't want to let go of the pains and hurts, but at one point, I realized that holding them in my heart is just like ingesting poison, day after day. That was the big life change I endured in 2010. Done was I with the victim mentality, the pain, and the pity parties.
I believe in change...we are meant to evolve. My evolution periods are just different than everyone else. Through this change, I gained so much growth in my 'self' and in a spiritual way. What I go through is not caused by nor influenced solely by my past, but instead, by my current decisions. If I fail to complete a project today, I reap the consequences tomorrow, and I cannot blame my past for it.
So I will live in today. Today I choose to not feel guilty anymore for who I am in my journey. I am at the top of my mountain, slowly descending to calmer roads...where I can give subtle advice to those seeking it. I embrace change now. In fact, I like to know what I can become. If I don't change, then the person I want to be is a reflection of a dream land-- far away, untouchable, since my old person doesn't fit into the world of my desires. I want to me extroverted, kinder, thoughtful, loving, bubbly, passionate, uplifting, inspiring, carefree, and so many more.
Gotta keep shedding the old stuff to make room for the new! Here's to a NEW year! 2012 is going to be even better than last year, and I will love myself even more this year than I did last year.
Let your self-love pull you through your trials and embrace those strengths.
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