Friday, December 17, 2010

Music is my heart, and my heart belongs in my church

is the breath-stealer
the kind,
the docile--
my loving healer.

...The one in,
the one down deep,
found amidst
my slumber keep.

is he to mine eye,
and for him,
my lone love,
my yearn does cry.

I wrote this poem when I was 18 or 19-years-old, not thinking much about what I was writing. Instead, I just let the words come straight from my heart...this was so pretty to read that I didn't think I wrote it. I did, but I was under the influence of my muse...whomever or whatever that is... For the longest time, I always interpreted it as my soul longing for a companion and I just left it at that...Tonight, however, I found my mind thinking back to this poem and I recalled how this could easily be a worship that is what I am going to do. I am dedicating my life to my music. It would be untrue to myself to never follow that dream as I have had it since I was five. At that tender age, I used to sit and listen to my mom's old tape player listening to Reba McEntire, George Straight, Alannah Myles, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Dolly Parton...Billy Squier, etc. just feeling my soul opening up and I felt so happy in those hours I could just sing and sing. 

I am a very timid singer. I never want to perform because I get nervous, and it doesn't come from the's just me singing. I got asked why I didn't sing tonight at the talent show and I honestly didn't feel like it, which is because my heart is sad. What is even more sad is that the one and only thing that made me feel better was to sing...but because of where I am, I don't sing loudly. The kind of singing that lifted my spirits is the kind where I sing so loud that I wouldn't need a microphone, the kind where I have my eyes closed and I am uninhibited. I can get my voice to float on a Bb(5) and then soar up to a C6, lilting my way into a soft whisper and repeat it...but no one would ever know that because I just don't know how to sing like that around others...where they can hear me as a solo...

The only place I can sing like that right now is in a worship team at church. I sing with all my heart and my spirit is connected with the Holy Spirit and all my worries escape, all the hurts, the pain, the sadness, the silent hopes and wishes...dread, anxiety...ALL of that leaves me and God lifts me up.

Right now, I have a sad heart because that may not be something I will have anymore. Of all the losses I have dealt with this year, I will not be able to give that up, I cannot give up my church--the only family I have that cares about me the way that fulfills part of what my "heart does yearn" for...I don't really have family anymore. If I lose that, I will fall back where I was before, if not worse, and I fear that so much. 

I hear scriptures coming and going in my mind, but I cannot let go of the sadness...because I don't want to right now. If I do, then all of the things I have gone through seem so silly, and that makes my testimony seem so little...and...

I need to go to sleep and think about this tomorrow. God grant me peace in heart and mind please.

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